LETTING GO

Two weeks left at work; six more workdays. And that is it! No more false endings, no further transitional extensions. On Friday, July 1, I will work my final day. These next two weeks will be to finish up, to orient my successor, to say goodbye, to let go, and to finally move on.

It had taken longer than expected to find my replacement. At some point it was clear that I could no longer keep hanging on. The “letting go” process is not linear. It involves loss and grief just like any other situation wherein you no longer have something (or someone) that had become quite familiar and even life defining over the course of multiple decades. I do believe in the tenderness of goodbyes. I have been counting down to retirement for the best part of a year and this process has been a conscious attempt to try to make things real, to talk openly about what is going on, to allow myself and others time and space to take it all in, to plan, and now, as I have said, to move on.

I will have a goodbye party and am grateful for that. Initially I was reticent to do this as it seemed like each day is a celebration and goodbyes are best tendered individually. I changed my mind as a couple of other people left the workplace recently; I attended their farewells and was quite moved. It adds finality, and I can allow myself to be appreciated while being able to reflect on the wonderful people I have worked with, and the amazing times that we have spent together over the course of the last 30-odd years. And then it will be behind me. Of course, I will remember all of these wonderful times: sometimes frustrating, but mostly endearing, unusual, growthful, and very real. I will remember the hard-working, caring people that I have worked beside. I will take with me the courage of the patients that I have worked with every day. It has been a great privilege to share their suffering and their recovery; to be a part of their process and not just observing it from the outside. I have learned from so many people and hope that I can be curious and open enough in interpersonal relationships to continue to learn and grow.

I do realize that letting go is a process. I will be letting go of many things. Destruction, death, and loss lead to change. Newness can unfold from the ashes, grow from the fertile soil. The places that we have been will add structure to the roads that we choose to take. Right now there is an immense conglomeration of feelings. Sadness and excitement co-exist. The future is opening up.